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My mind is a roller coaster that makes everyone sick to their stomach.
“This tremendous world I have inside of me. How to free myself, and this world, without tearing myself to pieces. And rather tear myself to a thousand pieces than be buried with this world within me.” — Franz Kafka
I’m apparently in a really thoughtful, talkative mood tonight so you guys should ask me things
:)
2:19 am
I’m gonna assume that this is someone I know in real life since I don’t really post about smoking that much, but the way I see it is that we all have that THING, that vice, and yeah, in theory I could quit smoking and put that money toward traveling, but I budget out a portion of my earnings which I put toward cigarettes, weed, alcohol, etc because those are things which I enjoy spending money on in the present, whereas traveling is something I’d like to spend money on in the future, so that’s a different portion of my earnings that goes toward future expenses, and plus if I weren’t wasting money on cigarettes then it’d probably be something else like clothes and accessories that I really don’t need. I mean in theory I could spend the rest of my summer living at home and never spend money on things like cigarettes or alcohol or concert tickets or ice cream with friends and I could only spend money on gas to and from work and save everything else I make to be able to travel, but that’s not gonna happen. Even though I like to dream and fantasize about the future a lot and all of the wonderful things I wanna do, I’m still someone that lives very much in the present and I’m a pretty spontaneous person and I believe in enjoying what’s right here, right now and indulging in simple pleasures and treating yourself to things that make you happy or that you’ve wanted for a long time—within reason of course. For example, I have roughly $500 in my bank account right now (or at least I will after $50 gets taken out for the fucking parking ticket I got) and I’m planning on putting around $300-350 toward somewhere to live for the month of July since I can’t stand living at home, and then I’m probably gonna put another $40 or so towards getting my industrial pierced because that’s something I’ve wanted for a long time, and then I’m gonna put $50ish toward cigarettes and alcohol, and then $15 or $20 toward a belated father’s day gift, but I’m expecting a check for $150 to come in the mail soon which I’ll put toward groceries and basic amenities then the rest will go into savings, and then I’ll also be getting money soon from all the shit I plan on selling which I don’t need anymore which has just accumulated in my room, and then I’ll also be getting babysitting money, so a lot of that will go into savings, but then I also need to spend money in August to drive down to Kentucky to see my father whom I haven’t seen in over four years, and then once next school year starts I’ll be working my after school day care job again and some of that money will go toward transportation in and out of Philly and some will go to books and some will go to food and some to cigarettes and some to alcohol and the rest will go into savings. Basically what I’m saying is, yes, I could quit smoking and save some money, but if it’s not cigarettes then it’s something else, and if it’s not something else then it’s the other thing. It’s impossible to save every single penny I earn, but I do try to save as much as I can. And in general, I prioritize my spending, like I won’t be paying for my industrial and what not until I know exactly how much I need to spend to live this summer. But I also know that it’s just not realistic for me to be able to go to Europe in the fall, and not just because of money reasons, but it will hopefully maybe be possible for me to save enough to go to Toronto. But also I very much take after my dad rather than my mom when it comes to money and planning and time and budgeting and a lot of times it’s really hard for me to see the big picture and to connect my wishes and desires to reality. But for now I don’t think I’m going to completely stop buying cigarettes. Though it’s not like what you said hasn’t crossed my mind and I have been cutting back on how many cigarettes I buy. But it’s especially hard in the summer because summertime just always seems to lead to more smoking and drinking and all that stuff.
I have no idea why I just wrote a whole detailed paragraph in response to your ask, but yeahh I think it’s just kind of the mood I’m in tonight, once I get started I can’t stop, there’s just too much on my mind lately and now it seems to all be spilling out, so I hope you don’t mind.
1:57 am
